Last week I got a call fro my friend Karen who was having a terrible day. She wanted me to write in my blog to cheer her up. She said my miserable life made hers seems so much better. I could not oblige her because my life was TOO miserable and I could not find anything funny at the time to write about. Fortunately for Karen after a while I am usually able to find something funny in any situation... so here it goes.
Monday: I had to go an do the writing portion of the leadership pool I mentioned in one of my previous blogs. My friend Angel already went through this process in November and of course she got something really easy and interesting to write about. Me? Not so much. I get the lamest subject on the planet. Now I think I am a decent writer so I wasn't even worried about this portion until I got the stupid prompt. Then I froze. Tick Tick Tick 45 minutes slipping away. Right as we were starting in walks Teacher Barbie and of course has to sit directly beside me. Perfect in every way she was extremely distracting. Especially her shoes which I would immediately kill myself in or crush with the weight of my fat ass. Anyway Barbie had a flaw. She couldn't hold still to save her life and made typing a horrible paper even more challenging. Went home feeling like a TOTAL LOSER.
Tuesday: Tutoring (yay) Then home with a migraine the size of Texas. This was the day Karen called and unfortunately the day it all went to shit very quickly. Now probably you think some of the stuff I write in this blog is exaggerated. How could anyone have such terrible luck? Well let me enlighten you, it's all true. Because I felt so horrible I decided to go to bed early, after all tomorrow would be the dreaded taped scenario portion of the leadership pool process. I was a nervous wreck about it. I was awoken two hours later by a horrible yet familiar sound. My husband was having a Grand Mal seizure. He hasn't had one in 3 years and not to be selfish or anything but REALLY? Tonight of all nights? It was a horrible situation and my boys came running in to help. We all stayed up the rest of the night trying to calm and reassure my husband who was obviously horrified and afraid to go back to sleep. My youngest son stayed home with him so that I could go to work. After all I was getting a new student and I had that lovely taped scenario. GREAT
Wednesday: 2 hours of sleep is o.k. You can still function on that right? Two Mountain Dews and three hundred pounds of makeup to hide the bags and I was off and ready to go. I spread the word around school so that I could get some much needed empathy and sympathy. The day flew and because I was so worried about my husband the taping didn't seem quite as horrifying. I got there a little early and they make you sit in a chair in this long hallway at the Technical High school. It is the only chair in the hallway and semi adult students are mulling around looking at you like you are some kind of diseased freak who is being quarantined or punished. The whole process is just unnerving. Finally the woman calls me in. Gives me my scenario, I read it and the whole room starts spinning. Angel's scenario was about generic appraisal system mine was horrific. All of this is hush hush so I am not going to put mine out on the WWW but let's just say it was UNCOMFORTABLE. Not something you would want to talk to anyone about much less pretend you are addressing a group of angry parents. I got a half an hour to gather my thoughts, take notes and then ACTION. Once the camera rolls they won't stop it and you have ten minutes to address the situation all the while pretending you are talking to an audience. WEIRD All I can say is I didn't puke, pass out or fall over dead. So it was a WIN as far as I am concerned.
Thursday: Ultrasound day for me. I get home and receive a very weird call from a surgeon's office. Apparently I am being scheduled for a consultation. The woman apologized for not being able to get me in sooner since she knew I must be in alot of pain. HUH? I'm not in any pain. She verified for a 3rd time that yes I was the one she was supposed to be calling and then I hung up scratching my head. Off to the ultrasound where the woman apologized for poking around so much because she knew I must be in alot of pain. HUH? 2 hours later she was still poking prodding and getting deep down up close and personal. She was stone faced and I had more of a chance at getting her to do the chicken dance then give me any information. I left with a BAD feeling deep in my gut and it wasn't just the poking that was giving it to me. I was too exhausted to worry.
Friday: Yay I was rested and feeling better. Now I could worry that I was dying. I tried reaching the doctor but couldn't get anyone to return my call. By noon there were probably 8 million people world wide saying the rosary for me because I had already convinced most people I know that I was dying. Just to be sure as soon as I got home I went on the computer. Just as I suspected I had all the symptoms of ovarian cancer. This was it. This was the BIG one. I was like Redd Fox going up to see Elizabeth. I searched every site I could find and none of them gave me much hope of surviving the weekend. I was doomed. Seriously, I am not a hypochondriac but I am a freak when I think something is wrong. I go from paper cut to gangrene in 10 seconds flat and the entire world will know within minutes.
Saturday: I spent Saturday morning planning my funeral with my husband. We had a very serious discussion about the appropriate amount of time he could go before remarrying. We discussed options about where he could live and who would take care of him. It was all planned out and decided. My friend Jenn called and I convinced her that in case I really was dying maybe she ought to drive up and see me. After all it may be the last time she could spend time with me. We went to a movie and I ordered a huge bag of popcorn a gallon of coke and Twizzlers. She said "I thought you were on a diet" I looked at her with sad serious eyes and said "I might be dying, I better live it up now." She shrugged her shoulders grabbed the popcorn and started eating it. Now this is a true friend. I think she was pretty confident I wasn't dying but if I was convinced of it she was going to appease me and allow me to indulge in my neuroses. This is the thing about friends. You have to find one that you are equally or lesser crazy then. Jenn is definitely equally crazy to me. So she gets me when I am headed to crazy town on the crazy town express. She just sits back and enjoys the ride. After all sooner or later it will be her turn and I will be the one shrugging my shoulders and going along for the ride. After the movie we went to pick out a dress for my Teacher of the Year event that I was sure I would not possibly be able to attend since I would be dead by then. Jenn said we should at least have a dress picked out just in case. Most of the dresses I tried were hideous. Normally I would be freaking out because of how fat my gut was but this time I was convinced my belly was no longer filled with fat but filled with a giant tumor. Somehow it was surprisingly better then thinking I was just fat. We found a dress and since I do not want to be buried I told Jenn to take it if I met my demise before the event. I made her promise she would carry out all of my dying wishes and then I headed home.
Monday: I found out I am not dying!! But for a few days I lived like I was. Not sure if that is what they meant by the expression/song but that was my interpretation of it.
Karen....hope this cheers you up and gives you a laugh!!!
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