It's been a while since I was able to blog. My schedule is greuling and stressful. The good news....no time to eat!!! omehow i squeeze it in hahahaha. The poor Major has been sick sick sick. She runs the computer lab at her school and every little germ in the school passes through at one point of the day. EEEWWW I saw her at the grocery and she looks so wiped out. Personally I think all the working out made her immune system low. I think all that working out hoo haa about making you healthier is a BIG FAT LIE. My grandma never worked out a day in her life and she was one of the healthiest people I ever met. I think it was all the olive oil. It makes everything glide right through ya.
My mom called me the other day and told me the funniest story. Her friend at work told her about this new diet. You gorge yourself for two days then you starve yourself for a couple of days and put these drops under your tounge??? Here's the best part.....you can't put on any lotion while you are on the diet..... "the lotion" they say will make you gain the weight back. HOLD ON!!! STOP THE PRESSES. All this time it was my freaking LOTION??? I better get ahold of Michelle Obama quick! She has launched this whole campaing about having people eat healthy and not to eat McDonalds etc. She has literally started an entire crusade against FAT. She's gonna freak when she finds out that all along it was BATH and BODY WORKS terrorizing our thighs! I don't know about you but I will forgo the lotion if I can still eat my pasta!! What's a little dry skin compared to a slim booty? I am curious about oil though? I am gonna have to do some serious internet research on this. If you can still use oil you could pretty much have the best of both worlds. Smooth silky skin and sweet thin thighs....YEAH if ONLY!!!
I promise to get better about blogging as my schedule lets up. PS the wedding is in a month UUUGGGHHH so happy and yet so not ready!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
How come skinny people have all the luck?
I sit back and wonder to myself if skinny people could possibly have the kind of sucky luck I have on a continuous basis? I had to leave work early today to deal with the "crisis of the day". If someone is not setting something on fire, breaking a bone or some major catastrophe doesn't happen to my house ...well it's an O.K. day. I'm not too picky. I would settle for boring or hum drum but that is not the fate I have been dealt. I have all out crisis mode at least three to four times a week. The worst part is out of 6 semi adult brains in my household mine seems to be the only one that can handle and or FIX a problem.
Huh! Seeing a possible reason for being an over eater? No stress on me right?
As I've told you I know alot of people. I have many acquaintances and many friends and I can honestly say I have the worst luck of any of them. Remember when I said my life was like one long continuous Candid Camera episode? I wasn't lying. Sometimes I have this unrelenting feeling that someone...I say God.. but who knows who it is....is just sitting around watching AND LAUGHING over my usual misfortune. Sometimes it's little things like being in the wrong lane at the grocery store (which is ALWAYS the case) and sometimes it is major like having a cement truck fall in my septic tank a month after my house was built. It's funny too because most people think I am a very optimistic person. I think I am. In fact everyday I wake up and think it's gonna be a great day and then I am totally shocked when it's not! You'd think I would know something was coming for me...but I don't. I'm like Charlie Brown with the football.
Well all this bad luck and stress does do one thing for me... it gives me an excuse to eat. If ever there was a person who deserved to drown her sorrows in mac and cheese it is me. But we all know that's not what I need. I need a million four leaf clovers and a serious dose of will power. I will say today I showed some restraint. I stopped on my way home to the crisis at McDonald's for my son and instead of getting my COKE or anything else I came home and ate a tuna sandwich. I won't lie a did take a bite of my son's cheeseburger and A SIP of my husband's coke but... I can't be perfect.
So as I sit here and wait for car number two this week to get towed to the shop...BTW (this is the same car that was involved in an accident three weeks ago and still has not been fixed from that)... I have to laugh. I also feel pretty good. I didn't give in to temptation and I didn't drown my sorrows with McDonald's. Progress? Maybe!
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Huh! Seeing a possible reason for being an over eater? No stress on me right?
As I've told you I know alot of people. I have many acquaintances and many friends and I can honestly say I have the worst luck of any of them. Remember when I said my life was like one long continuous Candid Camera episode? I wasn't lying. Sometimes I have this unrelenting feeling that someone...I say God.. but who knows who it is....is just sitting around watching AND LAUGHING over my usual misfortune. Sometimes it's little things like being in the wrong lane at the grocery store (which is ALWAYS the case) and sometimes it is major like having a cement truck fall in my septic tank a month after my house was built. It's funny too because most people think I am a very optimistic person. I think I am. In fact everyday I wake up and think it's gonna be a great day and then I am totally shocked when it's not! You'd think I would know something was coming for me...but I don't. I'm like Charlie Brown with the football.
Well all this bad luck and stress does do one thing for me... it gives me an excuse to eat. If ever there was a person who deserved to drown her sorrows in mac and cheese it is me. But we all know that's not what I need. I need a million four leaf clovers and a serious dose of will power. I will say today I showed some restraint. I stopped on my way home to the crisis at McDonald's for my son and instead of getting my COKE or anything else I came home and ate a tuna sandwich. I won't lie a did take a bite of my son's cheeseburger and A SIP of my husband's coke but... I can't be perfect.
So as I sit here and wait for car number two this week to get towed to the shop...BTW (this is the same car that was involved in an accident three weeks ago and still has not been fixed from that)... I have to laugh. I also feel pretty good. I didn't give in to temptation and I didn't drown my sorrows with McDonald's. Progress? Maybe!
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Is everyone in America a diet expert? Then why are we all FAT?
Have you ever told someone you are on a diet? What is their customary response? "Oh I've been on the _______ diet it's amazing." "My mom lost eight million pounds on the ______ diet." " You should try the ____ diet my sister's cousin's step niece lost four thousand pounds and never even exercised." Over the last forty three years I have heard of literally three million kinds of diets. The cabbage soup diet, the egg and rice diet, the Adkins diet, the South Beach diet, the heart attack patent's diet, the Special k diet. Those are just a few I have become familiar with in the last decade. There are millions of others. They all have one common bond. They profess to help you lose weight fast without feeling hungry or deprived. LIARS!! I have been on millions of diets. I think my mom had me on a diet while I was still in the womb and one thing I can tell you for sure is..........You are always hungry and you will always feel DEPRIVED.
Then there are the ones that tell you, you don't have to exercise. The weight will magically fall right off your big fat ass while you sleep. You know in your mind there is no way in hell this could possibly be true but your heart wants so desperately to believe it that you give it a try. And in the process you lose hundreds of dollars, clumps of hair and possibly some self respect from trying it. The only thing you don't lose is weight.
There is one thing for sure. As Americans we are the most educated diet experts in the world and yet we are the fattest Country in the world. We are obsessed. I don't care if you are fat or skinny, you know about a diet, someone in your family has been on a diet or you yourself have been on a diet.
We LOVE to share about it. It's almost like the birth bond. Have you ever noticed that women who have experienced childbirth can't wait to share it with everyone in the freakin world? All they have to do is see a pregnant person in the mall, go to a baby shower or meet someone newly engaged and they start blabbing all over the place about their 752 hours of labor. " It is the most beautiful experience in the world" they say. As if trying to convince the poor sap whose about to do it that it isn't the most single most terrifying and horrific experience they are ever going to have in their lifetime.
You know why? They want to convince someone else that it is not so bad after all and that it is justified in the end.
Let me give you the 411....IT IS THAT BAD!
But like a diet, once it's over it was all worth it. Right? You have this adorable new life changing thing that makes the pain disappear and seem almost like it was enjoyable. (baby/smokin hot bod, both adorable and both life changing) So in good faith you go around trying to "coach" or "mentor" someone else on the benefits. We do it out of love for mankind and we do it to reaffirm that it was a good choice for us in the long run.
The problem is.... that like the children that we birthed, diets go through the teenage years. You all know what I am talking about. It's all good and sweet in the beginning and then the ugly starts to come out. One piece of cake turns to one qusadilla and one pound turns into ten and then the sweet smokin bod you worked so hard and put so much of your time and energy into becomes a huge monstrous fat ass once again. You thought you did everything right. You thought you made all the best choices but only to find out that it was out of your control all along. Just like teenagers.
Does that mean you should never have kids or never diet? No of course not... but you better know the truth. They both consume your life, They are both a hell of a lot of work, they both make you do things you never thought was possible and they both suck late at night.
If someone tells you they are on a diet what should your response be? GREAT JOB.. GOOD LUCK.. WAY TO GO That's enough!
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Then there are the ones that tell you, you don't have to exercise. The weight will magically fall right off your big fat ass while you sleep. You know in your mind there is no way in hell this could possibly be true but your heart wants so desperately to believe it that you give it a try. And in the process you lose hundreds of dollars, clumps of hair and possibly some self respect from trying it. The only thing you don't lose is weight.
There is one thing for sure. As Americans we are the most educated diet experts in the world and yet we are the fattest Country in the world. We are obsessed. I don't care if you are fat or skinny, you know about a diet, someone in your family has been on a diet or you yourself have been on a diet.
We LOVE to share about it. It's almost like the birth bond. Have you ever noticed that women who have experienced childbirth can't wait to share it with everyone in the freakin world? All they have to do is see a pregnant person in the mall, go to a baby shower or meet someone newly engaged and they start blabbing all over the place about their 752 hours of labor. " It is the most beautiful experience in the world" they say. As if trying to convince the poor sap whose about to do it that it isn't the most single most terrifying and horrific experience they are ever going to have in their lifetime.
You know why? They want to convince someone else that it is not so bad after all and that it is justified in the end.
Let me give you the 411....IT IS THAT BAD!
But like a diet, once it's over it was all worth it. Right? You have this adorable new life changing thing that makes the pain disappear and seem almost like it was enjoyable. (baby/smokin hot bod, both adorable and both life changing) So in good faith you go around trying to "coach" or "mentor" someone else on the benefits. We do it out of love for mankind and we do it to reaffirm that it was a good choice for us in the long run.
The problem is.... that like the children that we birthed, diets go through the teenage years. You all know what I am talking about. It's all good and sweet in the beginning and then the ugly starts to come out. One piece of cake turns to one qusadilla and one pound turns into ten and then the sweet smokin bod you worked so hard and put so much of your time and energy into becomes a huge monstrous fat ass once again. You thought you did everything right. You thought you made all the best choices but only to find out that it was out of your control all along. Just like teenagers.
Does that mean you should never have kids or never diet? No of course not... but you better know the truth. They both consume your life, They are both a hell of a lot of work, they both make you do things you never thought was possible and they both suck late at night.
If someone tells you they are on a diet what should your response be? GREAT JOB.. GOOD LUCK.. WAY TO GO That's enough!
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Monday, August 9, 2010
Hitler Has Risen
I knew I was in for it today. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!! The Ball Buster picked me up and took me to the gym. She was in almost as crappy as a mood as I was. The fat guy behind the counter was so peppy and nice I got immediately angry and then paranoid. Had he read my blog? He was looking at me really funny and making sarcastic comments. It totally weirded me out.
If Hitler was alive he would hate fat people. That is for sure. You want to know how I know that? Because Hitler has been reincarnated and he has take n on the form of a little short evil woman named Major Mary the Ball Buster Box. I mean it, if I drew a little mustache on her you couldn't tell them apart in a police line up. She is pure evil. We literally got into a shouting match on the Elliptical machine today. She was nagging at me to keep going and I was dying and could not do it. She kept on and on and I finally started screaming "your killing me" "I'm going to die" Everyone was looking at us. It didn't faze her a bit. She just kept on. I was screaming and shooting her death looks....nothing worked.
Finally the torture was over. Or so I thought.
After getting nearly killed by a huge dump truck on the way home, I was pretty keyed up. So you can just imagine my horror when the Ball Buster kept driving right past my street and went to the Greenway. Have I mentioned how much I hate her? She got me out on that Greenway and made me walk two miles on top of my workout! I yelled, I whined, I cussed and screamed and the whole time all she did was laugh. On the way to the middle of the Greenway I was threatening to kill her and hide the body. She just laughed and yelled at me about the "way" I was walking. Who gives a freak? I was upright and walking why did it matter how long my strides were? On the way back it became inherently clear that I was the one who was going to die and she was either going to have to hide my body or drag my dead fat ass the mile back to her car. To which I told her I would leave clues everywhere. I watch enough 48 Hour Mysteries to know how to leave clues for the police to find out who killed you. Sure it would look like I had died of natural causes but we all know whose fault it would really be. Make sure somehow she pays for it. Prison is too nice. I will find her weakness and let all of you know so that in case I die at least one of you will make sure she gets what she deserves.
Until Tomorrow (If I make it that long!)
Teresa
If Hitler was alive he would hate fat people. That is for sure. You want to know how I know that? Because Hitler has been reincarnated and he has take n on the form of a little short evil woman named Major Mary the Ball Buster Box. I mean it, if I drew a little mustache on her you couldn't tell them apart in a police line up. She is pure evil. We literally got into a shouting match on the Elliptical machine today. She was nagging at me to keep going and I was dying and could not do it. She kept on and on and I finally started screaming "your killing me" "I'm going to die" Everyone was looking at us. It didn't faze her a bit. She just kept on. I was screaming and shooting her death looks....nothing worked.
Finally the torture was over. Or so I thought.
After getting nearly killed by a huge dump truck on the way home, I was pretty keyed up. So you can just imagine my horror when the Ball Buster kept driving right past my street and went to the Greenway. Have I mentioned how much I hate her? She got me out on that Greenway and made me walk two miles on top of my workout! I yelled, I whined, I cussed and screamed and the whole time all she did was laugh. On the way to the middle of the Greenway I was threatening to kill her and hide the body. She just laughed and yelled at me about the "way" I was walking. Who gives a freak? I was upright and walking why did it matter how long my strides were? On the way back it became inherently clear that I was the one who was going to die and she was either going to have to hide my body or drag my dead fat ass the mile back to her car. To which I told her I would leave clues everywhere. I watch enough 48 Hour Mysteries to know how to leave clues for the police to find out who killed you. Sure it would look like I had died of natural causes but we all know whose fault it would really be. Make sure somehow she pays for it. Prison is too nice. I will find her weakness and let all of you know so that in case I die at least one of you will make sure she gets what she deserves.
Until Tomorrow (If I make it that long!)
Teresa
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Fat Rolls Down Hill
This morning I got up all peppy and in a good mood. I actually got my chubby hubby to get out of bed before 9 and made him go for a walk with me. Did I mention I hate my husband? He is getting really really chubby. I know your first thought probably is well DUH. Here's a lady who is fat, she loves to cook and she loves to eat of course her husband is going to be fat. Oh if only that were true. No unfortunately I married one of those evil evil people who can eat whatever they want whenever they want and stay the same size for life. But the medicine he takes makes him gain a significant amount of weight and they just upped the dosage. He does need to exercise and I am sure some of the weight can be contributed to our unhealthy lifestyle but I am here to tell you the guy is blessed. Whenever I have been on a kick in the past about eating healthy or losing weight, I will cut down on the junk food in the house. I will be starving, exercising and killing myself trying to lose weight. He will cut back by one less bowl of icecream or one less Little Debbie snack and lose weight. He will inevitably come into the room scratching his head, look at me and say " wow I lost ten pounds and I don't even know how. I hope I don't start losing too much weight." I glare at him with my death glare and picture my hands wrapped tightly around his stupid neck choking him and screaming "oh look your dying and I don't know why.... I hope you don't die too much!" All the while I have found his ten pounds parleyed it into thirteen.
Men suck! They have eveyrhing so easy. Not that men don't struggle with weight I know they do. It's just that our struggle is so much harder. Men lose weigh faster, they have better metabolisms and they age better. Plus they don't get bloated have babies or get PMS. I tell you if anyone ever tells me they doubt God is a man I will be happy to argue with them until the end of time.
Anyway I went for my walk this morning and I was strutin it pretty good when all of a sudden we started going down hill. My little legs were just a pumpin and I looked back at my chubby hubby just strolling along it was like a Great Dane walking with a Yorkie. I was literally haulin ass and he was just slumping along like "dum da dum nice day out isn't it?" That's when it hit me. My fat ass had gained momentum going down the hill. I was bookin it and honestly I wasn't sure I could stop even if I wanted to. He had no backside helping him down the hill. He was able to stay at a nice steady pace and here I was going Mach 5 down the death hill. I finally got to the bottom and tappered out. I was relieved but I wanted him to think I had done it on purpose and was now waiting impatiently for him to get to the bottom by slowing down my pace and giving him the impatient eye.
I was sweating like a fat guy chasing an icecream truck. It was good. When I first started this whole thing I would barely sweat....now I am sweating. We finally made it home and I was pretty happy with myself because I felt like my little stubby legs had out walked his giant giraffe legs.
We both needed the walk and I was glad I had gotten him to do it. He hurt his back in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and is going back to work tomorrow. He really needed to stretch it out. Plus if I had to look at him laying in the bed one more day like a tub of lard I was gonna sew his fat ass up in the sheet and beat him skinny. Do you think that would work? I'd be willing to let someone do it to me if I really thought it would.
Tomorrow Ball Buster will be back on the warpath. She got her brother all moved into town and she will have more then her share of frustration to work out. I have a feeling I am in for a rough morning. I am actually kinda looking forward to seeing that fat guy that works there so I can sneer at him. PSYCH you thought I was gonna say I am looking forward to working out! What I tell you... it's NEVER gonna happen!!
Till Tomorrow,
Teresa
Men suck! They have eveyrhing so easy. Not that men don't struggle with weight I know they do. It's just that our struggle is so much harder. Men lose weigh faster, they have better metabolisms and they age better. Plus they don't get bloated have babies or get PMS. I tell you if anyone ever tells me they doubt God is a man I will be happy to argue with them until the end of time.
Anyway I went for my walk this morning and I was strutin it pretty good when all of a sudden we started going down hill. My little legs were just a pumpin and I looked back at my chubby hubby just strolling along it was like a Great Dane walking with a Yorkie. I was literally haulin ass and he was just slumping along like "dum da dum nice day out isn't it?" That's when it hit me. My fat ass had gained momentum going down the hill. I was bookin it and honestly I wasn't sure I could stop even if I wanted to. He had no backside helping him down the hill. He was able to stay at a nice steady pace and here I was going Mach 5 down the death hill. I finally got to the bottom and tappered out. I was relieved but I wanted him to think I had done it on purpose and was now waiting impatiently for him to get to the bottom by slowing down my pace and giving him the impatient eye.
I was sweating like a fat guy chasing an icecream truck. It was good. When I first started this whole thing I would barely sweat....now I am sweating. We finally made it home and I was pretty happy with myself because I felt like my little stubby legs had out walked his giant giraffe legs.
We both needed the walk and I was glad I had gotten him to do it. He hurt his back in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and is going back to work tomorrow. He really needed to stretch it out. Plus if I had to look at him laying in the bed one more day like a tub of lard I was gonna sew his fat ass up in the sheet and beat him skinny. Do you think that would work? I'd be willing to let someone do it to me if I really thought it would.
Tomorrow Ball Buster will be back on the warpath. She got her brother all moved into town and she will have more then her share of frustration to work out. I have a feeling I am in for a rough morning. I am actually kinda looking forward to seeing that fat guy that works there so I can sneer at him. PSYCH you thought I was gonna say I am looking forward to working out! What I tell you... it's NEVER gonna happen!!
Till Tomorrow,
Teresa
Reason 115 why I am fat!
Today I am sitting as I have been for the last 4 years in one capacity or another in a classroom. For the last two years I have spent every other entire Saturday in class. It s draining tiring and overwhelming. So at break guess what we do? You guessed it....We Eat! During lunch break we go out to eat. I try and make healthy choices but don't always stay steadfast in my convictions. At some point during the day inevitably someone goes and gets candy and passes it around. "It's only a few pieces" I justify to myself. It's hard to keep up this type of schedule...working full time (at a job that is overwhelming at best) going to school full time and being a full time caregiver to three very very very dependant males, not including hours spent on research and homework for school and work. I also have a very active social life. I try very hard to maintain and foster my friendships which can be alot of work especially when many of my friends live far away. I reside in the armpit of the state SLOWCALA.
So as you can see this is a viable excuse for me to remain fat. I just don't want to put the time and energy it takes into dieting and maintaining a diet. Right? Surely all of you are agreeing with me on this! But is it really an excuse? Remember when I gave you a list of the reasons I was fat? This was not one of the reasons and yet it is a very huge piece of the fat ass puzzle.
I am consistently trying to find out why I stay in this fat cycle. At 43 you would think things would be getting a little clearer. My friend Angel who I have taken every single class with since I started this journey (and who has put on a few in the process too) says we can only do one thing great at a time. Since we are doing great in school and becoming successful in our careers, I thought maybe she was right. Then I got to really thinking about it and I do a lot of GREAT things. I'm a great wife, I'm a great mom, I'm a great friend, I'm a GREAT student and I think I am a pretty great teacher...so why can't I do this one thing? Then it hit me. Losing weight was not a goal that would get me love, get me rich or get me recognition. It would not help me reach my ultimate goal of being the first non partisan woman president who makes a journey to Mars all while hosting her #1 rated cooking show, staring in a comedy show with Justin Timberlake and publishing her third New York Times best selling book. I don't have to be thin to accomplish any of those things. It might make it easier or make me feel a little better but it is not a defining part of the process. Notice not one of my goals is to be a Super Model or the Hottest Cougar stripper this side of Texas. My life goals can all be accomplished with my big fat ass in tow. BUT I WANT TO BE THIN! That's a goal right?
I started thinking about Oprah. With all the money in the world, why can't she lose weight? She has people buy her food, prepare her food and monitor her food. She could hire someone to prechew her food if she felt like it and yet she is still fat. WHY? I know she has asked herself that a million times. I bet she has the top therapists in the world trying to figure it out. The answer seems pretty simple. SHE LIKES TO EAT!!! And eating food and being fat has not kept her from accomplishing any of her goals. Even though through much of her career it seemed like losing weight was her number one goal..it wasn't. Being famous was the driving force that pushed her towards a billion dollar empire. Now she can afford to eat any place in the world. Imagine that? Having enough money that if you wanted a crepe someone would fire up your private jet and before you could even lose the craving you'd be in Paris scarfing down a crepe from one of the world's top chefs. Damn right she's fat. She's not one of those stupid celebrities in Hollywood who stays all drugged up and thin. Oprah is brilliant and she knows money is power, power is life and life is food. It's the media and the public image that make her feel wrong about her size. If I had her kind of money I'd be as big as a house. Sorry I know I am supposed to be talking about losing weight in this blog but I have to be honest too. If I had all that money I die of an overdose alright... an overdose of FOOD!
So where does that leave me today? Still confused, still fat, but still committed to this journey I have set out to do.
Till Tomorrow,
Teresa
So as you can see this is a viable excuse for me to remain fat. I just don't want to put the time and energy it takes into dieting and maintaining a diet. Right? Surely all of you are agreeing with me on this! But is it really an excuse? Remember when I gave you a list of the reasons I was fat? This was not one of the reasons and yet it is a very huge piece of the fat ass puzzle.
I am consistently trying to find out why I stay in this fat cycle. At 43 you would think things would be getting a little clearer. My friend Angel who I have taken every single class with since I started this journey (and who has put on a few in the process too) says we can only do one thing great at a time. Since we are doing great in school and becoming successful in our careers, I thought maybe she was right. Then I got to really thinking about it and I do a lot of GREAT things. I'm a great wife, I'm a great mom, I'm a great friend, I'm a GREAT student and I think I am a pretty great teacher...so why can't I do this one thing? Then it hit me. Losing weight was not a goal that would get me love, get me rich or get me recognition. It would not help me reach my ultimate goal of being the first non partisan woman president who makes a journey to Mars all while hosting her #1 rated cooking show, staring in a comedy show with Justin Timberlake and publishing her third New York Times best selling book. I don't have to be thin to accomplish any of those things. It might make it easier or make me feel a little better but it is not a defining part of the process. Notice not one of my goals is to be a Super Model or the Hottest Cougar stripper this side of Texas. My life goals can all be accomplished with my big fat ass in tow. BUT I WANT TO BE THIN! That's a goal right?
I started thinking about Oprah. With all the money in the world, why can't she lose weight? She has people buy her food, prepare her food and monitor her food. She could hire someone to prechew her food if she felt like it and yet she is still fat. WHY? I know she has asked herself that a million times. I bet she has the top therapists in the world trying to figure it out. The answer seems pretty simple. SHE LIKES TO EAT!!! And eating food and being fat has not kept her from accomplishing any of her goals. Even though through much of her career it seemed like losing weight was her number one goal..it wasn't. Being famous was the driving force that pushed her towards a billion dollar empire. Now she can afford to eat any place in the world. Imagine that? Having enough money that if you wanted a crepe someone would fire up your private jet and before you could even lose the craving you'd be in Paris scarfing down a crepe from one of the world's top chefs. Damn right she's fat. She's not one of those stupid celebrities in Hollywood who stays all drugged up and thin. Oprah is brilliant and she knows money is power, power is life and life is food. It's the media and the public image that make her feel wrong about her size. If I had her kind of money I'd be as big as a house. Sorry I know I am supposed to be talking about losing weight in this blog but I have to be honest too. If I had all that money I die of an overdose alright... an overdose of FOOD!
So where does that leave me today? Still confused, still fat, but still committed to this journey I have set out to do.
Till Tomorrow,
Teresa
Friday, August 6, 2010
Bubble Butt
My dear sweet mother who reads my blog every day reminded me that I forgot to tell you what my nickname was when I was growing up. hhhhhmmmmmm I wonder if you would want to the world to know that your nickname was "bubble butt" I can't imagine how in the world I ever managed to suppress that ....I mean forget that. Since this blog is here to help me work through my traumas and help give all of you a laugh I figured she was right. What's the harm in letting people know I had the nick name of "bubble butt" as a kid. Now as an adult I realize that nickname really meant fat ass. So in essence people have been calling me fat ass my entire life. When I was little I didn't mind it too bad. I was pretty proud of that big bubble I had for a backside. Now I am not so happy about it. It does help me prove my case about the fact that I have always and I mean always had a fat ass! It also helps me prove the case that my family did serious psychological harm to me and no wonder I am CRAZY. Seriously who calls their kid "bubble butt"? Would you nick name your kid dummy if he was dumb? Would you nickname your kid fugly if they were unattractive? Would you nickname your kid gimpy if he had one leg? No of course not...not unless you were in my family. My dad's favorite joke in the world when I was between the ages of 11 and 16 were "hey Teresa I know a joke that will knock your boobs off (only he used the vulgar term for it)...Oh I see you've already heard it." hahaahahahaha the laughter would pour out of him. Those are the kind of tortures I endured. Actually it has really given me the ability to laugh at myself and not take my personal attributes too seriously. And one thing is for sure I have a GREAT sense of humor. So I don't hate my parents for their sick and twisted senses of humor in fact I thank them because now I am every bit as sick and twisted and I have already seen it pass down onto my son T.J. I'm so proud!
Good News! I lost two pounds. Now I have to admit my first reaction was TWO POUNDS? I can gain that back in two seconds. All that work and all I lost was a lousy TWO POUNDS??? But then I reminded myself that I have indulged and over excess ed in things for quite a long time and so that bad stuff will not go away over night (all though when I do get to meet God we are having a serious talk about that very subject). It should be a little easier for people to lose weight... then they might actually be successful. But I did lose and that's all that counts!!!
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Good News! I lost two pounds. Now I have to admit my first reaction was TWO POUNDS? I can gain that back in two seconds. All that work and all I lost was a lousy TWO POUNDS??? But then I reminded myself that I have indulged and over excess ed in things for quite a long time and so that bad stuff will not go away over night (all though when I do get to meet God we are having a serious talk about that very subject). It should be a little easier for people to lose weight... then they might actually be successful. But I did lose and that's all that counts!!!
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Thursday, August 5, 2010
BUNS OF STEEL
You might be asking yourself, "Has Teresa always had such a humongous butt?" The answer to your question would be YES. I know you might be sceptical about that answer but the fact is I have always had a huge butt. When I was born the doctors and nurses all commented to my mother about the rather large size of my butt. Little did my mom know it would continue to grow and grow and grow. Even when other body parts remained at the twelve year old girl size(my boobs) my butt just kept on growing. I could strap a serving tray across my butt and serve drinks off of it. I bet I could make a killing as the big butt serving cocktail waitress. If I had buns of steel they could send me in backwards to hostage situations and no-one would be able to get a shot at me. I don't think that's what they meant when they came up with the buns of steel slogan but that's how I envision it. Me with these giant buns made of steel. I'd have to have a cart just to haul them around. No if I had buns of steel it wouldn't mean that my buns got cute and small and in shape it would mean that my already ginormous buns literally got bigger and stronger (nobody wants that).
I keep trying to tell the ball buster that. She will not listen to a word i say. She puts me on that god forsaken elliptical machine created by Mussolini or Hitler and makes me go up and down until i think I am gonna barf. She is ruthless and today as on many occasions in the past i told her how much I loathed her existence. I swear she is thick in the head because she just laughs and makes me do even more. Today she kept signing "I like it , I love it, I want some more of it." I swear it is a wonder she made it out of that gym alive... no joke it is for that very sole purpose I believe in me not having a gun. I could have shot her and I would not have felt one bit of remorse until my sweat dried up and I was three hundred miles away from the nearest gym. Have i mentioned how much i hate the gym? Have I mentioned what a pain in my extremely large size butt the ball buster is?
I did it though and when we were getting ready to leave the FAT guy that works at the gym felt compelled to tell me I just have to keep going and do it. I smiled and nodded but I was thinking the only thing he just "does" is shove doughnuts in his fat face. Why is he working at a gym anyway? He is huge. His boobs are ten times the size of mine(that's not saying much) but anyway he annoys me. There we are working our butts off and he's over behind the desk sitting on his butt and probably eating Twinkies when noone is looking. I wanted to say to him that he was calling the kettle black but I kept my mouth shut and just sent him death daggers with my eyes. He knew what I was saying without one word spoken. Tomorrow I am gonna watch him like a hawk and if i see even a hint of Twinkies cream on his lips I'm gonna slap him sideways. Maybe I won't go that far but I will still give him really mean looks.
When we got home ball buster made we walk around the block again. I was sweating something awful. Did I tell you I hated her? At least it's over for today and today makes the fourth day with no soda...if I make it! I have been really strict on my diet and am actually looking forward to seeing if I have lost any weight. If I haven't you guys better be prepared for some serious cursing in my blog. I am apologizing up front!
Until Tomorrow
Teresa
I keep trying to tell the ball buster that. She will not listen to a word i say. She puts me on that god forsaken elliptical machine created by Mussolini or Hitler and makes me go up and down until i think I am gonna barf. She is ruthless and today as on many occasions in the past i told her how much I loathed her existence. I swear she is thick in the head because she just laughs and makes me do even more. Today she kept signing "I like it , I love it, I want some more of it." I swear it is a wonder she made it out of that gym alive... no joke it is for that very sole purpose I believe in me not having a gun. I could have shot her and I would not have felt one bit of remorse until my sweat dried up and I was three hundred miles away from the nearest gym. Have i mentioned how much i hate the gym? Have I mentioned what a pain in my extremely large size butt the ball buster is?
I did it though and when we were getting ready to leave the FAT guy that works at the gym felt compelled to tell me I just have to keep going and do it. I smiled and nodded but I was thinking the only thing he just "does" is shove doughnuts in his fat face. Why is he working at a gym anyway? He is huge. His boobs are ten times the size of mine(that's not saying much) but anyway he annoys me. There we are working our butts off and he's over behind the desk sitting on his butt and probably eating Twinkies when noone is looking. I wanted to say to him that he was calling the kettle black but I kept my mouth shut and just sent him death daggers with my eyes. He knew what I was saying without one word spoken. Tomorrow I am gonna watch him like a hawk and if i see even a hint of Twinkies cream on his lips I'm gonna slap him sideways. Maybe I won't go that far but I will still give him really mean looks.
When we got home ball buster made we walk around the block again. I was sweating something awful. Did I tell you I hated her? At least it's over for today and today makes the fourth day with no soda...if I make it! I have been really strict on my diet and am actually looking forward to seeing if I have lost any weight. If I haven't you guys better be prepared for some serious cursing in my blog. I am apologizing up front!
Until Tomorrow
Teresa
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
my fat BUTT
I am so sorry I missed yesterday. To anyone out there reading I'm sure it was no big deal.... but to my Italian mother........ well that's another story.
I could save the world from certain death by jumping through space and crushing a meteor with my bare and hands and my Italian mother's response would be..."That was amazing I am am so proud of you...but.... you really didn't have to wait until the last minute if you would have turned left at that second star like I told you ...you could have saved us all ten seconds faster." I love you mom!!! Just kidding!
Anyway at the persistence of my mother I am back writing today. Yesterday pretty much blew chunks. The Ball Buster was laid up sick. Normally I would have thought that was the greatest thing that could ever happen. But since my new found commitment to this whole dumb thing I can actually say I felt a little bad yesterday. There I said it. I did feel bad. Not bad enough that I went and worked out on my own but bad enough that I stuck to my diet and have remained soda free for two whole days..three if you count today but today is not over. If I go nuts and kill someone from lack of cherry coke please let the judge know I didn't mean it!
So I ate healthy and worked on the million and ten papers I have due in less than two weeks and have in usual form put off until the last minute. I am a total "live for today" kind of person. No surprise there! That's how come I am a fat ass. If something looks good I eat it. If something looks shiny I buy it. If something feels good I do it and if someone says I will like it I try it. I'm not too picky in any category and I usually like most everything I try. See the problem?
The saddest part about my whole fat ass situation is that I really do know why I am fat. There is no hidden secret or sense of bewilderment.I can list the reasons in order:
1. Genetics Oh I know what you are thinking... but seriously genetics play a huge part in who you are. I have a fat ass. Every woman on both sides of my family has a fat ass. Some are really fat and some are regular fat but they are ALL fat. You can't deny genetics.
2. I am short. Not just a little short but midget short. At barely five feet the fat doesn't have very far to disburse and it all settles in.... you guessed it .... my fat ass! My husband says " You are not fat, you are under tall". after 22 years of hearing me gripe about being fat he had to come up with something to shut me up!
3. I LOVE and I mean LOVE food. Food is my best friend. Food loves me when I need love. When I am lonely it is there for me. When I am sad it cheers me up. When I am sick it makes me well. When I am stressed it slows me down and whispers that everything is going to be alright. When I am angry it's always on my side. When I feel good it makes me feel even better.
I love to shop for it. I love to cook it. I love to order it. I love to talk about it. I love to read about it. I love to hear about it. I love to think about it. I love to watch it on T.V. When I go on vacation I plan my entire vacation around it. Other people go to see places and things. I see places and things that are near where I want to eat.
I have found that you can learn alot about people by how much they love food. There are "foodies" like me. People who live to eat and then there are non "foodies" people who eat to live. I tend to like the "foodies". Since I have a substantial amount of quality friends who are amazing and remarkable people, I think using that as your judge can usually get you good results. Be clear I am talking about people who appreciate food not gluttonous people who just shove any old junk in their mouths. But rather people who appreciate good food who enjoy it and who know it enhances their lives. These people are the BEST. Except when you have to go on a DIEit. Then it is hard trying to find things that are mutually pleasurable while socializing.
However, everyone has been so supportive lately and really making me feel great. My BFF Jenn snuck in 100 calorie snacks to the movies for me so I would not feel sad. Now that's what I mean about remarkable people. She always has my back. If you told me I had to chose her over food... I won't lie, I would hesitate for a minute, but I would chose her over food every time.
Today I was back at the gym. I am seriously on my diet and hopefully Friday I can tell you I have lost weight. I only weigh on Fridays. I still hate the gym (day 52) but at least I went. If at some point I write a blog that says I love the gym, come over to my house immediately and look in my medicine cabinet and pour out all the pills that are apparently making me hallucinate!
Till Tomorrow,
Teresa
I could save the world from certain death by jumping through space and crushing a meteor with my bare and hands and my Italian mother's response would be..."That was amazing I am am so proud of you...but.... you really didn't have to wait until the last minute if you would have turned left at that second star like I told you ...you could have saved us all ten seconds faster." I love you mom!!! Just kidding!
Anyway at the persistence of my mother I am back writing today. Yesterday pretty much blew chunks. The Ball Buster was laid up sick. Normally I would have thought that was the greatest thing that could ever happen. But since my new found commitment to this whole dumb thing I can actually say I felt a little bad yesterday. There I said it. I did feel bad. Not bad enough that I went and worked out on my own but bad enough that I stuck to my diet and have remained soda free for two whole days..three if you count today but today is not over. If I go nuts and kill someone from lack of cherry coke please let the judge know I didn't mean it!
So I ate healthy and worked on the million and ten papers I have due in less than two weeks and have in usual form put off until the last minute. I am a total "live for today" kind of person. No surprise there! That's how come I am a fat ass. If something looks good I eat it. If something looks shiny I buy it. If something feels good I do it and if someone says I will like it I try it. I'm not too picky in any category and I usually like most everything I try. See the problem?
The saddest part about my whole fat ass situation is that I really do know why I am fat. There is no hidden secret or sense of bewilderment.I can list the reasons in order:
1. Genetics Oh I know what you are thinking... but seriously genetics play a huge part in who you are. I have a fat ass. Every woman on both sides of my family has a fat ass. Some are really fat and some are regular fat but they are ALL fat. You can't deny genetics.
2. I am short. Not just a little short but midget short. At barely five feet the fat doesn't have very far to disburse and it all settles in.... you guessed it .... my fat ass! My husband says " You are not fat, you are under tall". after 22 years of hearing me gripe about being fat he had to come up with something to shut me up!
3. I LOVE and I mean LOVE food. Food is my best friend. Food loves me when I need love. When I am lonely it is there for me. When I am sad it cheers me up. When I am sick it makes me well. When I am stressed it slows me down and whispers that everything is going to be alright. When I am angry it's always on my side. When I feel good it makes me feel even better.
I love to shop for it. I love to cook it. I love to order it. I love to talk about it. I love to read about it. I love to hear about it. I love to think about it. I love to watch it on T.V. When I go on vacation I plan my entire vacation around it. Other people go to see places and things. I see places and things that are near where I want to eat.
I have found that you can learn alot about people by how much they love food. There are "foodies" like me. People who live to eat and then there are non "foodies" people who eat to live. I tend to like the "foodies". Since I have a substantial amount of quality friends who are amazing and remarkable people, I think using that as your judge can usually get you good results. Be clear I am talking about people who appreciate food not gluttonous people who just shove any old junk in their mouths. But rather people who appreciate good food who enjoy it and who know it enhances their lives. These people are the BEST. Except when you have to go on a DIEit. Then it is hard trying to find things that are mutually pleasurable while socializing.
However, everyone has been so supportive lately and really making me feel great. My BFF Jenn snuck in 100 calorie snacks to the movies for me so I would not feel sad. Now that's what I mean about remarkable people. She always has my back. If you told me I had to chose her over food... I won't lie, I would hesitate for a minute, but I would chose her over food every time.
Today I was back at the gym. I am seriously on my diet and hopefully Friday I can tell you I have lost weight. I only weigh on Fridays. I still hate the gym (day 52) but at least I went. If at some point I write a blog that says I love the gym, come over to my house immediately and look in my medicine cabinet and pour out all the pills that are apparently making me hallucinate!
Till Tomorrow,
Teresa
Monday, August 2, 2010
Did you just call me fat?
O.K.
There were two monumental episodes that happened in my life this weekend that have really kick started this whole weight loss thing for me. Do you ever feel like your life is one huge episode of candid camera? I really believe in my heart that God has a big screen with my life playing non stop as his own personal favorite reality show. Sometimes things that happen to me are just hysterical I mean down right bizarre and no one is ever there to see it. So I am convinced God is either watching me while he's kickin it back with the guys or he has me DVR'd so he can play me back when he gets in a bad mood. I can picture him talking with his buds on the phone "oh man did you just see what she did?" "that girl is straight up crazy"
The first thing that happened this weekend is not bizzare or unusual. I had to go do the whole wedding thing with my sister in Brookesville. We went to look at junk and got my mom her dress etc. My sister has lost sixty pounds and she looked amazing. She looked so much like the younger version of me....only taller with bigger boobs and dark hair. Yeah O.K. so maybe not a complete younger version of me but similar enough that it made me realize how much I have let myself go. I still look young (the one and only good gene my mother passed down to me) but I feel so old because of the extra human being I am dragging around with me every day. I literally could have a small child strapped to my back all day every day for as much extra weight as I am carrying. I was so proud of my sister and yet so pissed at myself. I know what I have to do...why can't I just do it? The good thing about seeing her in her most beautiful state was that lately we have become a little compettitve. Not in major things but school wise etc. She talked me into going back to school a few years ago and now it has been an ongoing battle to the top. It has really helped me stay dedicated and focused. So I thought why not do the same with weight. Seriously can I let my little baby sister beat me at this? The answer is no. Just like school I need to get it through my hard head that I CAN DO THIS and just do it.
The next thing that happened was the bizzare and yet hysterical thing. Not to be put aside or brushed off though. I need to use it to fuel myself! I went to meet my best friend Jenn for a movie in New Port Richey. She lives in St. Pete and I live in SLOWCALA so it's not quite half way but mutually acceptable for both of us because I don't mind driving and she is terrified of it. Anyway I had my last ever soda at the movies and two glasses of tea with dinner, so needless to say I had to pee something fierce when I rolled into Marion County. I got off the interstate and had promised my husband I would bring him home something to eat. The one and only place is a Taco Bell. I parked and ran in and went straight to the ladies room. There was a little gal cleaning it and I guess I shocked her because I had come charging in. She immediatly struck up a conversation with me, as most everyone does (it must be the mommyish look I have). I started to go into the stall and she said "Oh you might want to use the big handicapped one over there." I was already almost the entire way into the stall but quickly came out when she said that. I immediately thought something gross had happened in that stall that I did not want to be any part of. I guess since I had a somewhat puzzled expression she continued a further explanation she said AND I QUOTE "That stall is way bigger, you may be alot more comfortable in there, even as little as I am I feel cramped in that other stall." By this time I was in the LARGER stall and was in the process of closing the door. I had to pee so bad that it took my brain a little while to procees what she had said. Then it hit me. She Freaking called me FAT! It was certainly a very sweet way to do it and I am sure she was just trying to be nice but she still called me FAT! I started laughing and I thought for a minute that I wasn't going to be able to stop. I composed myself washed my hands and left the rest room. I ordered my husbands food, got back in the car and stewed the rest of the way home. I have to admit I was a total witch when I got home which left my husband and my son wondereing what was wrong with me. They kept commenting about what a nasty mood I was in and how going off with my BFF should have put me in a good mood etc. I couldn't dare tell them I felt like a fat old piece of LARD. So I went to bed and stayed awake for hours making up a fantasy that I died and was able to come back in this rich famous singer/actresse's body. It was a great fantasy and in some small way it made me feel a little better. I planned out all the trips I was gonna take. Who I would let be in my entorauge. Then I realized I had told the ball buster I would go to the gym at 6:30 so I forced myself to sleep.
This morning I had to threaten the ball buster at least three times that I was going to tell the world about her torturous ways but she just laughed her little satanic laugh and made me work out even more. When we got home she made me walk around my block and timed me to see how long it would take if we want to start using that as an alternative workout when school gets back in. I really hate her and I told her so on several occasions this morning. Here is a list of things I hate in order:
1 The Dentist
2 Insurance companies
3 Car Buying
4 Major Mary the Ball Buster Box when she is making me work out!!
But I will tell you this, I have a new dedication to this whole weightloss stuff that I did not have before. Even though this blog started out as a joke to get even with the Ball Buster...... I am going to continue it and hopefully as I lose weight I will be able to make you all laugh at me as I am sure God is doing on a daily basis. He has to be laughing....... my life is just too damn funny! Who else do you know gets put down by a Taco bell employee cleaning the bathroom???? ONLY ME!
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
There were two monumental episodes that happened in my life this weekend that have really kick started this whole weight loss thing for me. Do you ever feel like your life is one huge episode of candid camera? I really believe in my heart that God has a big screen with my life playing non stop as his own personal favorite reality show. Sometimes things that happen to me are just hysterical I mean down right bizarre and no one is ever there to see it. So I am convinced God is either watching me while he's kickin it back with the guys or he has me DVR'd so he can play me back when he gets in a bad mood. I can picture him talking with his buds on the phone "oh man did you just see what she did?" "that girl is straight up crazy"
The first thing that happened this weekend is not bizzare or unusual. I had to go do the whole wedding thing with my sister in Brookesville. We went to look at junk and got my mom her dress etc. My sister has lost sixty pounds and she looked amazing. She looked so much like the younger version of me....only taller with bigger boobs and dark hair. Yeah O.K. so maybe not a complete younger version of me but similar enough that it made me realize how much I have let myself go. I still look young (the one and only good gene my mother passed down to me) but I feel so old because of the extra human being I am dragging around with me every day. I literally could have a small child strapped to my back all day every day for as much extra weight as I am carrying. I was so proud of my sister and yet so pissed at myself. I know what I have to do...why can't I just do it? The good thing about seeing her in her most beautiful state was that lately we have become a little compettitve. Not in major things but school wise etc. She talked me into going back to school a few years ago and now it has been an ongoing battle to the top. It has really helped me stay dedicated and focused. So I thought why not do the same with weight. Seriously can I let my little baby sister beat me at this? The answer is no. Just like school I need to get it through my hard head that I CAN DO THIS and just do it.
The next thing that happened was the bizzare and yet hysterical thing. Not to be put aside or brushed off though. I need to use it to fuel myself! I went to meet my best friend Jenn for a movie in New Port Richey. She lives in St. Pete and I live in SLOWCALA so it's not quite half way but mutually acceptable for both of us because I don't mind driving and she is terrified of it. Anyway I had my last ever soda at the movies and two glasses of tea with dinner, so needless to say I had to pee something fierce when I rolled into Marion County. I got off the interstate and had promised my husband I would bring him home something to eat. The one and only place is a Taco Bell. I parked and ran in and went straight to the ladies room. There was a little gal cleaning it and I guess I shocked her because I had come charging in. She immediatly struck up a conversation with me, as most everyone does (it must be the mommyish look I have). I started to go into the stall and she said "Oh you might want to use the big handicapped one over there." I was already almost the entire way into the stall but quickly came out when she said that. I immediately thought something gross had happened in that stall that I did not want to be any part of. I guess since I had a somewhat puzzled expression she continued a further explanation she said AND I QUOTE "That stall is way bigger, you may be alot more comfortable in there, even as little as I am I feel cramped in that other stall." By this time I was in the LARGER stall and was in the process of closing the door. I had to pee so bad that it took my brain a little while to procees what she had said. Then it hit me. She Freaking called me FAT! It was certainly a very sweet way to do it and I am sure she was just trying to be nice but she still called me FAT! I started laughing and I thought for a minute that I wasn't going to be able to stop. I composed myself washed my hands and left the rest room. I ordered my husbands food, got back in the car and stewed the rest of the way home. I have to admit I was a total witch when I got home which left my husband and my son wondereing what was wrong with me. They kept commenting about what a nasty mood I was in and how going off with my BFF should have put me in a good mood etc. I couldn't dare tell them I felt like a fat old piece of LARD. So I went to bed and stayed awake for hours making up a fantasy that I died and was able to come back in this rich famous singer/actresse's body. It was a great fantasy and in some small way it made me feel a little better. I planned out all the trips I was gonna take. Who I would let be in my entorauge. Then I realized I had told the ball buster I would go to the gym at 6:30 so I forced myself to sleep.
This morning I had to threaten the ball buster at least three times that I was going to tell the world about her torturous ways but she just laughed her little satanic laugh and made me work out even more. When we got home she made me walk around my block and timed me to see how long it would take if we want to start using that as an alternative workout when school gets back in. I really hate her and I told her so on several occasions this morning. Here is a list of things I hate in order:
1 The Dentist
2 Insurance companies
3 Car Buying
4 Major Mary the Ball Buster Box when she is making me work out!!
But I will tell you this, I have a new dedication to this whole weightloss stuff that I did not have before. Even though this blog started out as a joke to get even with the Ball Buster...... I am going to continue it and hopefully as I lose weight I will be able to make you all laugh at me as I am sure God is doing on a daily basis. He has to be laughing....... my life is just too damn funny! Who else do you know gets put down by a Taco bell employee cleaning the bathroom???? ONLY ME!
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Friday, July 30, 2010
Day 2
This morning I awoke again to the chirping of my cell phone receiving a text. I jumped up and immediately squinted at the clock. I was in full panic mode. Had I overslept again? Was the Ball Buster already in my driveway as she had been on several occasions before? That really ticked her off by the way. No it was only six thirty, I wasn't supposed to be ready until 7. I put on my glasses and read the text. All of a sudden I heard Angels singing. Aretha Franklin's voice was booming loudly in my ear "Freedom, Freedom, Freedom , FREEEEDDDDOOOOMMM". It was like the sky to heaven had opened and gave me a beautiful glimpse at the pearly gates. The text read " I have to leave to go to Ft. Lauderdale unexpectedly to help my brother." Here's the best part "WE CAN'T WORK OUT TODAY"!!!! I was ecstatic! Happy does not describe it!
My jubilation quickly ended with the thought that I had to respond to her text. If I didn't text fast enough she would call and hear the joy in my voice. She would surely take it out on me tomorrow. If I sounded too upset about it she would have me do something on my own today. Think Think Think. My plan was brilliant. I texted her back one letter that said "K". No emotion tied to it. No bias one way or the other and I had an entire day of freedom ahead of me.
Now I know what most of you are thinking.... I'm only cheating myself....yeah, yeah, yeah--- blah, blah, blah. But apparently you all are not understanding the depths of my hatred for working out. I have been going with the Ball Buster for over a month and a half and there has not been one minuscule moment in any way shape or form where I have enjoyed it. Everyone keeps telling me that I will grow to love it. That I will feel something will be missing when I don't do it. That I will literally crave the feeling I get from working out. I am here to tell you......That Will Never Happen! I hate it. I loathe it. I literally wish it was a human being so that I could wish death upon it.
Why even bother then? Well it is all for the glory of standing next to my beautiful sister in her wedding gown knowing that I am not a huge miserable whale. It doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. It just means I have to do it. And as much as I hate the Ball Buster and her evil smirk when I get into the car..... I know I need her. I need her like a fat kid needs cake and without her I go back to my horrible, sad, pathetic,- no will power fat lazy self.
Tomorrow when she comes to pick me up, I may not manage to smile but at least I will try not to throw imaginary daggers at her forehead when I look over at her on the treadmill. I will try and do my best.
Till Tomorrow!
Teresa
My jubilation quickly ended with the thought that I had to respond to her text. If I didn't text fast enough she would call and hear the joy in my voice. She would surely take it out on me tomorrow. If I sounded too upset about it she would have me do something on my own today. Think Think Think. My plan was brilliant. I texted her back one letter that said "K". No emotion tied to it. No bias one way or the other and I had an entire day of freedom ahead of me.
Now I know what most of you are thinking.... I'm only cheating myself....yeah, yeah, yeah--- blah, blah, blah. But apparently you all are not understanding the depths of my hatred for working out. I have been going with the Ball Buster for over a month and a half and there has not been one minuscule moment in any way shape or form where I have enjoyed it. Everyone keeps telling me that I will grow to love it. That I will feel something will be missing when I don't do it. That I will literally crave the feeling I get from working out. I am here to tell you......That Will Never Happen! I hate it. I loathe it. I literally wish it was a human being so that I could wish death upon it.
Why even bother then? Well it is all for the glory of standing next to my beautiful sister in her wedding gown knowing that I am not a huge miserable whale. It doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. It just means I have to do it. And as much as I hate the Ball Buster and her evil smirk when I get into the car..... I know I need her. I need her like a fat kid needs cake and without her I go back to my horrible, sad, pathetic,- no will power fat lazy self.
Tomorrow when she comes to pick me up, I may not manage to smile but at least I will try not to throw imaginary daggers at her forehead when I look over at her on the treadmill. I will try and do my best.
Till Tomorrow!
Teresa
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Almost got away with it!
Last night I had company come into town. I cooked a nice dinner, took the girls around Ocala and got them ice cream from Sonic. When we got home we went swimming until late. I knew I needed to call the Ball Buster and tell her I could not go to the gym in the morning. I "accidentally" forgot. All night long I had nightmares. There she was chasing me and trying to kill me. I tossed and turned and got a terrible nights sleep. I awoke to the familiar chime of a text message on my cell phone. I was frozen in fear. I knew it was her. I knew she would be on her way to get me. I got the courage up and texted her my excuse. I knew faking sick wouldn't work...I had already tried that one before and she made me go anyway... so I had to tell the truth. I sent the message and waited for what seemed like hours to get her response. It was simple, clear and to the point..... "what time are they leaving?" I texted her back and told her I wasn't sure. Again hours and then her response " we will go when they leave". I felt my stomach flip. There was no way she was letting me out of this today. I was doomed. So now at three I am heading to the gym with ball Buster and I bet she will punish me all the more for trying to get out of it in the first place. If i should die and this is my last correspondence....please know I love you all. Eat pasta at my funeral and have a Cherry Coke fountain for me. Till tomorrow
Teresa
Teresa
Day 1
At the urging of my trainer, I am starting a blog. She thinks it will help assist me in my weight loss goals. I think she is the DEVIL. For the remainders of these blogs I will refer to her as "Major Mary the Ball Buster Box", "Ball Buster", "Evil" or "Beelzebub".
Many of you who are reading this may know that my amazingly sweet sister is getting married October 9th. I am her Matron of Honor and required to wear one of those hideously horrifying Bridesmaid gowns. The gown of course will be sleeveless because apparently if you are in the wedding party the only way to ensure that you will not out shine the bride is to wear a dress that shows off your huge "lunch lady arms. I searched and searched but to no avail and could not find a gown on this planet with sleeves. With that in mind and with pressure from my sister I decided (but was really being forced) to try and lose the extra million pounds that I carry along with me on a daily basis.
At first I gave up sodas. If you know me well, you know that one of my biggest vices is CHERRY COKE. I nearly killed myself going cold turkey but I kept that hideous dress in the back of my mind and went nearly two months without a soda. When not one single pound was shed I thought to myself FTS. If you don't know what that stands for fill in whatever explicative you would like. You can figure out what I mean but I am drinking a coke as I write this.
The next obvious step was to start exercising. This was a huge mistake on my part because my mouth started working before my brain actually processed the entire idea. I asked my friend "Ball Buster" if I could start going to the gym with her. I explained my situation to her and she agreed. Little did I know she was going to take this so seriously. It has now become her life's mission to help me lose weight. Well she has her work cut out for her because what i am finding out about myself in this process is that I am horribly lazy and incapable of making good food choices.
I will try my best and I hope that you will all read my blog....leave me comments......and pray for my soul... especially when you start reading some of the horrible things I am thinking in my head. Lord knows I am going to need all the help can get and i am counting on my friends to give it.
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Many of you who are reading this may know that my amazingly sweet sister is getting married October 9th. I am her Matron of Honor and required to wear one of those hideously horrifying Bridesmaid gowns. The gown of course will be sleeveless because apparently if you are in the wedding party the only way to ensure that you will not out shine the bride is to wear a dress that shows off your huge "lunch lady arms. I searched and searched but to no avail and could not find a gown on this planet with sleeves. With that in mind and with pressure from my sister I decided (but was really being forced) to try and lose the extra million pounds that I carry along with me on a daily basis.
At first I gave up sodas. If you know me well, you know that one of my biggest vices is CHERRY COKE. I nearly killed myself going cold turkey but I kept that hideous dress in the back of my mind and went nearly two months without a soda. When not one single pound was shed I thought to myself FTS. If you don't know what that stands for fill in whatever explicative you would like. You can figure out what I mean but I am drinking a coke as I write this.
The next obvious step was to start exercising. This was a huge mistake on my part because my mouth started working before my brain actually processed the entire idea. I asked my friend "Ball Buster" if I could start going to the gym with her. I explained my situation to her and she agreed. Little did I know she was going to take this so seriously. It has now become her life's mission to help me lose weight. Well she has her work cut out for her because what i am finding out about myself in this process is that I am horribly lazy and incapable of making good food choices.
I will try my best and I hope that you will all read my blog....leave me comments......and pray for my soul... especially when you start reading some of the horrible things I am thinking in my head. Lord knows I am going to need all the help can get and i am counting on my friends to give it.
Till Tomorrow
Teresa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)