The last two days have been rough. I haven't been feeling well and it seems everything that can go wrong has. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a perpetual black cloud that follows me around. Once when I was in high school a girl's mom compared me to Charlie Brown. The girl who was miss PERFECTION told me that her mom felt sorry for me because I reminded her of Charlie Brown. She was referring to my performance in the Junior Miss Ppageant. Funny how once you get labeled with something like that it kind of sticks. I never forgot it and it often rings in my ear whenever I lose once again at something. I spent 25 years secretly hoping that girl would turn out to be some kind of total loser screw up. So I could at least show her I didn't turn out to be a total loser. But as luck would have it I recently found out she is a successful doctor and extremely thin and beautiful. It sure isn't like in the movies is it? If my life were a movie, I would have grew tall and grew the biggest set of knockers on the planet. But what happened? I'm short fat and FLAT! All those 80's movies lied and filled my heart with horrible unrealistic life expectations.
This morning was the worst. I had a horrible migraine the night before. I took half of a migraine pill and had a hard time functioning this morning. I couldn't miss today. Although of all the days to miss today would have been my first pick. It was one of the most dreaded days of the entire school year. PICTURE DAY!! For fat girls picture day can be equated to getting a root canal with no Novocaine, a rectal exam from the hulk or going to the DMV on the last Friday of the month at noon. Since you have no choice, you try extremely hard to find an outfit that will at best shave a pound or two off of you. This morning was not turning out to be one of those days. EVERYTHING I put on looked awful. I already felt bad and then when I finally found a dress that fit I couldn't find my Spanks! Fat chicks need their Spanks. If you don't know what Spanks are you are obviously skinny or you live in a cave in Afghanistan. I searched for 20 minutes. What was my alternative? At this point I had a better chance of finding them then I did finding another outfit. Finally I found them under a blanket buried in the back of my closet. (That's another story) Now I had to hustle to move on to trick number two for picture day. Make your hair as big as possible. It detracts from the fat chubby cheeks and double chins. Yes I said CHINS plural!! The bigger the hair the smaller the face. I was spraying the ever loving shit out of my hair and nothing was working. I was pouring sweat cussing up a storm and feeling like having a major BF (bitch fit). I finally got my hair to a passable height and looked at the clock. Half an hour behind my schedule if I left right away I would still be o.k. I got to my kitchen ready to roll and all of a sudden it hit. YEP my stomach. Rush into the bathroom. Now I love me some Spanks but not when you are needing to get them off in a major hurry like in this case. Panic was setting in but I finally managed to get them off. Then low and behold TA DAH my MONTHLY had started. What in the hell? Really? I could literally see Charlie Brown's face looking at me, laughing and saying man what a LOSER this chick is. I put myself all back together again(no easy feat). That's when the tears started. But wait...I had already done my makeup...heavy on the mascara for the dreaded picture day. If I cried too much it would all be ruined. I took a deep breath and did the next best thing. I whipped open the bathroom door and started screaming at my husband about how fucking bad my life sucked. Today was his day off so he was sound asleep. He mumbled something trying to calm me down. He was saying some typical stupid man shit but I wasn't in a very receptive mood. He told me to stay home. I screamed that he didn't understand anything about anything. He told me I looked pretty and screamed WHATEVER and slammed the door.
I got in the car and what is playing on the radio? Big Girls Don't Cry. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I have often suspected that God uses me for his own personal court jester but now I have proof!! He's totally rubbing my face in it. The rest of the day went pretty much the same way. Then after lunch was the dreaded picture time. I passed on previewing the photo when the man asked. Why bother? I would see if soon enough. Now there was only one last humiliation to suffer through at the end of the day and then I could go home and hide under my pillow!! It was the staff photo. The entire staff lines up and guess who always gets the front row? You guessed it... SHORTY. And of course I have to hear the myriad of jokes about how short I am and how I automatically get the front row. Hardy Har Har like I haven't heard these jokes 8 million times. After many squished in, hot, uncomfortable minutes the torture is finally over. I bet you can guess what I would equate that to but I won't say it out loud. You can fill in the blank.
On the way home I thought about why they say Big Girl's Don't Cry? Now of course I know they are referring to chronological big not fat ass big but still there is some truth to it. Fat people tend to be funny, jolly, happy and down right chipper. Is it because we enjoy life to the fullest? We don't deprive ourselves of cake and so maybe a part of us is deeply satisfied. Or is it because we feel we have to be like that so that everyone will like us. I couldn't contemplate it too long because I was getting another migraine and sometimes I think life just is what it is. Maybe you shouldn't think so hard about it. But it can be really funny if you let it. So as I write this I am actually smiling about the shitty day I had and feeling pretty good that I can share with you all and maybe make you smile. I will leave you with a quote from Charlie Brown's The great Pumpkin. Every time everyone else gets candy in their bags while trick-or- treating Charlie brown looks down at his bag and says "I got a rock". Pretty much sums it all up for me!!!
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