Have you ever thought about keeping track of the number of negative interactions you have each day? It seems pretty sad that we can be inundated every day with tons of negative responses. We try to block them out or ignore them. What's even worse is we barely notice them. They can build up though. People finally have one too many and SNAP. Is it me or are people getting ruder and ruder? I see it with the kids too. They just have this total disregard for people and act like they can say anything they want anytime. They have no empathy and no regard for any one's feelings. If it pops into their heads they say it. It seems really sad. Every morning I go fifteen minutes out of my way to go to a McDonalds to get my tea. I live five minutes from a McDonalds but the people who work there are rude and inept. So in order to start my day out on a good note, I drive the extra miles to get my tea. There is a very friendly woman who works there and she always gets my tea just right..unsweet with extra lemon. The one by my house tells me they have no lemon and 9 times out of 10 it is sweet tea not unsweet when I pull away. Some days I will pull back around and ask them to fix it. Almost always they look at me as if I am asking them to raise someone from the dead or some similar impossible feat. It's TEA for crying out loud. Two huge containers...one marked sweet one marked unsweet and I have noticed they are even COLOR CODED!! Yet for some reason I always find myself apologizing to them and almost feeling bad to be such a bother. This morning as luck would have it the girl at the "good" McDonalds was out. The lady in her place was NOT pleasant. She practically threw my drink at me and today of all days I realized I had no cash so I had to use my card. I thought she was going to come unglued. Seriously she was wigging out. Again I found myself apologizing and I drove away sheepishly feeling horrible. I thought to myself whatever happened to customer service? How in the world have things gotten this far out of control? The world is a sad and lonely place for people who like tea in the morning. In St. Pete my friend Jenn goes to the same Chick-Fil-A everyday. The woman who works there is named Linda and she is sweet efficient and she remembers you and calls you by name. Every day my friend waits in a huge line just to get her diet coke and a smile from Linda. We need positive interactions with people. We crave it. We will drive miles out of our way to get it and we will do anything to sustain it.
Even though I started my day out on a crappy note I was determined to make the best of the day. I was worried about my husband who was returning back to work today. The thing I LOVE and HATE about my job all at the same time is how it completely consumes me. I have total tunnel vision when I am in the classroom. Literally no world exists outside those four walls. It was 1:00 p,m, before I ever even gave a thought to anyone other then my students. Then I felt a huge pang of guilt for not thinking about my husband. I got home and decided to try a new Wii workout game. It was LAME. It asked me to put in my weight and I froze in terror. Now on my video game is a record of how totally fat I really am. My attention span with the game only lasted about a half an hour. Then everything is a blurr after that. I know I did dishes, started dinner, talked to Jenn who was totally pissed because a teacher at her school sent her a nasty two page e-mail because Jenn had ordered some books for her but they hadn't arrived yet. Now I'm doing this. HUH what happened to the hours in between? I am ending the day the way it started. Disappointed at the self indulged self absorbed people who think they are Elohim. Whether you pay for your dollar tea with a credit card or you order books that don't show up is it really that big of a deal? Do you really have to be nasty and rude? Which brings me to my favorite expressions...food is my friend...food loves me...food never yells or makes me feel like crap...food never snaps at me and makes fun of me.....food makes me feel warm and loved. And that is why I love you food I love you dearly with all my heart.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Live like you were dying
Last week I got a call fro my friend Karen who was having a terrible day. She wanted me to write in my blog to cheer her up. She said my miserable life made hers seems so much better. I could not oblige her because my life was TOO miserable and I could not find anything funny at the time to write about. Fortunately for Karen after a while I am usually able to find something funny in any situation... so here it goes.
Monday: I had to go an do the writing portion of the leadership pool I mentioned in one of my previous blogs. My friend Angel already went through this process in November and of course she got something really easy and interesting to write about. Me? Not so much. I get the lamest subject on the planet. Now I think I am a decent writer so I wasn't even worried about this portion until I got the stupid prompt. Then I froze. Tick Tick Tick 45 minutes slipping away. Right as we were starting in walks Teacher Barbie and of course has to sit directly beside me. Perfect in every way she was extremely distracting. Especially her shoes which I would immediately kill myself in or crush with the weight of my fat ass. Anyway Barbie had a flaw. She couldn't hold still to save her life and made typing a horrible paper even more challenging. Went home feeling like a TOTAL LOSER.
Tuesday: Tutoring (yay) Then home with a migraine the size of Texas. This was the day Karen called and unfortunately the day it all went to shit very quickly. Now probably you think some of the stuff I write in this blog is exaggerated. How could anyone have such terrible luck? Well let me enlighten you, it's all true. Because I felt so horrible I decided to go to bed early, after all tomorrow would be the dreaded taped scenario portion of the leadership pool process. I was a nervous wreck about it. I was awoken two hours later by a horrible yet familiar sound. My husband was having a Grand Mal seizure. He hasn't had one in 3 years and not to be selfish or anything but REALLY? Tonight of all nights? It was a horrible situation and my boys came running in to help. We all stayed up the rest of the night trying to calm and reassure my husband who was obviously horrified and afraid to go back to sleep. My youngest son stayed home with him so that I could go to work. After all I was getting a new student and I had that lovely taped scenario. GREAT
Wednesday: 2 hours of sleep is o.k. You can still function on that right? Two Mountain Dews and three hundred pounds of makeup to hide the bags and I was off and ready to go. I spread the word around school so that I could get some much needed empathy and sympathy. The day flew and because I was so worried about my husband the taping didn't seem quite as horrifying. I got there a little early and they make you sit in a chair in this long hallway at the Technical High school. It is the only chair in the hallway and semi adult students are mulling around looking at you like you are some kind of diseased freak who is being quarantined or punished. The whole process is just unnerving. Finally the woman calls me in. Gives me my scenario, I read it and the whole room starts spinning. Angel's scenario was about generic appraisal system mine was horrific. All of this is hush hush so I am not going to put mine out on the WWW but let's just say it was UNCOMFORTABLE. Not something you would want to talk to anyone about much less pretend you are addressing a group of angry parents. I got a half an hour to gather my thoughts, take notes and then ACTION. Once the camera rolls they won't stop it and you have ten minutes to address the situation all the while pretending you are talking to an audience. WEIRD All I can say is I didn't puke, pass out or fall over dead. So it was a WIN as far as I am concerned.
Thursday: Ultrasound day for me. I get home and receive a very weird call from a surgeon's office. Apparently I am being scheduled for a consultation. The woman apologized for not being able to get me in sooner since she knew I must be in alot of pain. HUH? I'm not in any pain. She verified for a 3rd time that yes I was the one she was supposed to be calling and then I hung up scratching my head. Off to the ultrasound where the woman apologized for poking around so much because she knew I must be in alot of pain. HUH? 2 hours later she was still poking prodding and getting deep down up close and personal. She was stone faced and I had more of a chance at getting her to do the chicken dance then give me any information. I left with a BAD feeling deep in my gut and it wasn't just the poking that was giving it to me. I was too exhausted to worry.
Friday: Yay I was rested and feeling better. Now I could worry that I was dying. I tried reaching the doctor but couldn't get anyone to return my call. By noon there were probably 8 million people world wide saying the rosary for me because I had already convinced most people I know that I was dying. Just to be sure as soon as I got home I went on the computer. Just as I suspected I had all the symptoms of ovarian cancer. This was it. This was the BIG one. I was like Redd Fox going up to see Elizabeth. I searched every site I could find and none of them gave me much hope of surviving the weekend. I was doomed. Seriously, I am not a hypochondriac but I am a freak when I think something is wrong. I go from paper cut to gangrene in 10 seconds flat and the entire world will know within minutes.
Saturday: I spent Saturday morning planning my funeral with my husband. We had a very serious discussion about the appropriate amount of time he could go before remarrying. We discussed options about where he could live and who would take care of him. It was all planned out and decided. My friend Jenn called and I convinced her that in case I really was dying maybe she ought to drive up and see me. After all it may be the last time she could spend time with me. We went to a movie and I ordered a huge bag of popcorn a gallon of coke and Twizzlers. She said "I thought you were on a diet" I looked at her with sad serious eyes and said "I might be dying, I better live it up now." She shrugged her shoulders grabbed the popcorn and started eating it. Now this is a true friend. I think she was pretty confident I wasn't dying but if I was convinced of it she was going to appease me and allow me to indulge in my neuroses. This is the thing about friends. You have to find one that you are equally or lesser crazy then. Jenn is definitely equally crazy to me. So she gets me when I am headed to crazy town on the crazy town express. She just sits back and enjoys the ride. After all sooner or later it will be her turn and I will be the one shrugging my shoulders and going along for the ride. After the movie we went to pick out a dress for my Teacher of the Year event that I was sure I would not possibly be able to attend since I would be dead by then. Jenn said we should at least have a dress picked out just in case. Most of the dresses I tried were hideous. Normally I would be freaking out because of how fat my gut was but this time I was convinced my belly was no longer filled with fat but filled with a giant tumor. Somehow it was surprisingly better then thinking I was just fat. We found a dress and since I do not want to be buried I told Jenn to take it if I met my demise before the event. I made her promise she would carry out all of my dying wishes and then I headed home.
Monday: I found out I am not dying!! But for a few days I lived like I was. Not sure if that is what they meant by the expression/song but that was my interpretation of it.
Karen....hope this cheers you up and gives you a laugh!!!
Monday: I had to go an do the writing portion of the leadership pool I mentioned in one of my previous blogs. My friend Angel already went through this process in November and of course she got something really easy and interesting to write about. Me? Not so much. I get the lamest subject on the planet. Now I think I am a decent writer so I wasn't even worried about this portion until I got the stupid prompt. Then I froze. Tick Tick Tick 45 minutes slipping away. Right as we were starting in walks Teacher Barbie and of course has to sit directly beside me. Perfect in every way she was extremely distracting. Especially her shoes which I would immediately kill myself in or crush with the weight of my fat ass. Anyway Barbie had a flaw. She couldn't hold still to save her life and made typing a horrible paper even more challenging. Went home feeling like a TOTAL LOSER.
Tuesday: Tutoring (yay) Then home with a migraine the size of Texas. This was the day Karen called and unfortunately the day it all went to shit very quickly. Now probably you think some of the stuff I write in this blog is exaggerated. How could anyone have such terrible luck? Well let me enlighten you, it's all true. Because I felt so horrible I decided to go to bed early, after all tomorrow would be the dreaded taped scenario portion of the leadership pool process. I was a nervous wreck about it. I was awoken two hours later by a horrible yet familiar sound. My husband was having a Grand Mal seizure. He hasn't had one in 3 years and not to be selfish or anything but REALLY? Tonight of all nights? It was a horrible situation and my boys came running in to help. We all stayed up the rest of the night trying to calm and reassure my husband who was obviously horrified and afraid to go back to sleep. My youngest son stayed home with him so that I could go to work. After all I was getting a new student and I had that lovely taped scenario. GREAT
Wednesday: 2 hours of sleep is o.k. You can still function on that right? Two Mountain Dews and three hundred pounds of makeup to hide the bags and I was off and ready to go. I spread the word around school so that I could get some much needed empathy and sympathy. The day flew and because I was so worried about my husband the taping didn't seem quite as horrifying. I got there a little early and they make you sit in a chair in this long hallway at the Technical High school. It is the only chair in the hallway and semi adult students are mulling around looking at you like you are some kind of diseased freak who is being quarantined or punished. The whole process is just unnerving. Finally the woman calls me in. Gives me my scenario, I read it and the whole room starts spinning. Angel's scenario was about generic appraisal system mine was horrific. All of this is hush hush so I am not going to put mine out on the WWW but let's just say it was UNCOMFORTABLE. Not something you would want to talk to anyone about much less pretend you are addressing a group of angry parents. I got a half an hour to gather my thoughts, take notes and then ACTION. Once the camera rolls they won't stop it and you have ten minutes to address the situation all the while pretending you are talking to an audience. WEIRD All I can say is I didn't puke, pass out or fall over dead. So it was a WIN as far as I am concerned.
Thursday: Ultrasound day for me. I get home and receive a very weird call from a surgeon's office. Apparently I am being scheduled for a consultation. The woman apologized for not being able to get me in sooner since she knew I must be in alot of pain. HUH? I'm not in any pain. She verified for a 3rd time that yes I was the one she was supposed to be calling and then I hung up scratching my head. Off to the ultrasound where the woman apologized for poking around so much because she knew I must be in alot of pain. HUH? 2 hours later she was still poking prodding and getting deep down up close and personal. She was stone faced and I had more of a chance at getting her to do the chicken dance then give me any information. I left with a BAD feeling deep in my gut and it wasn't just the poking that was giving it to me. I was too exhausted to worry.
Friday: Yay I was rested and feeling better. Now I could worry that I was dying. I tried reaching the doctor but couldn't get anyone to return my call. By noon there were probably 8 million people world wide saying the rosary for me because I had already convinced most people I know that I was dying. Just to be sure as soon as I got home I went on the computer. Just as I suspected I had all the symptoms of ovarian cancer. This was it. This was the BIG one. I was like Redd Fox going up to see Elizabeth. I searched every site I could find and none of them gave me much hope of surviving the weekend. I was doomed. Seriously, I am not a hypochondriac but I am a freak when I think something is wrong. I go from paper cut to gangrene in 10 seconds flat and the entire world will know within minutes.
Saturday: I spent Saturday morning planning my funeral with my husband. We had a very serious discussion about the appropriate amount of time he could go before remarrying. We discussed options about where he could live and who would take care of him. It was all planned out and decided. My friend Jenn called and I convinced her that in case I really was dying maybe she ought to drive up and see me. After all it may be the last time she could spend time with me. We went to a movie and I ordered a huge bag of popcorn a gallon of coke and Twizzlers. She said "I thought you were on a diet" I looked at her with sad serious eyes and said "I might be dying, I better live it up now." She shrugged her shoulders grabbed the popcorn and started eating it. Now this is a true friend. I think she was pretty confident I wasn't dying but if I was convinced of it she was going to appease me and allow me to indulge in my neuroses. This is the thing about friends. You have to find one that you are equally or lesser crazy then. Jenn is definitely equally crazy to me. So she gets me when I am headed to crazy town on the crazy town express. She just sits back and enjoys the ride. After all sooner or later it will be her turn and I will be the one shrugging my shoulders and going along for the ride. After the movie we went to pick out a dress for my Teacher of the Year event that I was sure I would not possibly be able to attend since I would be dead by then. Jenn said we should at least have a dress picked out just in case. Most of the dresses I tried were hideous. Normally I would be freaking out because of how fat my gut was but this time I was convinced my belly was no longer filled with fat but filled with a giant tumor. Somehow it was surprisingly better then thinking I was just fat. We found a dress and since I do not want to be buried I told Jenn to take it if I met my demise before the event. I made her promise she would carry out all of my dying wishes and then I headed home.
Monday: I found out I am not dying!! But for a few days I lived like I was. Not sure if that is what they meant by the expression/song but that was my interpretation of it.
Karen....hope this cheers you up and gives you a laugh!!!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Big Girls Don't Cry
The last two days have been rough. I haven't been feeling well and it seems everything that can go wrong has. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a perpetual black cloud that follows me around. Once when I was in high school a girl's mom compared me to Charlie Brown. The girl who was miss PERFECTION told me that her mom felt sorry for me because I reminded her of Charlie Brown. She was referring to my performance in the Junior Miss Ppageant. Funny how once you get labeled with something like that it kind of sticks. I never forgot it and it often rings in my ear whenever I lose once again at something. I spent 25 years secretly hoping that girl would turn out to be some kind of total loser screw up. So I could at least show her I didn't turn out to be a total loser. But as luck would have it I recently found out she is a successful doctor and extremely thin and beautiful. It sure isn't like in the movies is it? If my life were a movie, I would have grew tall and grew the biggest set of knockers on the planet. But what happened? I'm short fat and FLAT! All those 80's movies lied and filled my heart with horrible unrealistic life expectations.
This morning was the worst. I had a horrible migraine the night before. I took half of a migraine pill and had a hard time functioning this morning. I couldn't miss today. Although of all the days to miss today would have been my first pick. It was one of the most dreaded days of the entire school year. PICTURE DAY!! For fat girls picture day can be equated to getting a root canal with no Novocaine, a rectal exam from the hulk or going to the DMV on the last Friday of the month at noon. Since you have no choice, you try extremely hard to find an outfit that will at best shave a pound or two off of you. This morning was not turning out to be one of those days. EVERYTHING I put on looked awful. I already felt bad and then when I finally found a dress that fit I couldn't find my Spanks! Fat chicks need their Spanks. If you don't know what Spanks are you are obviously skinny or you live in a cave in Afghanistan. I searched for 20 minutes. What was my alternative? At this point I had a better chance of finding them then I did finding another outfit. Finally I found them under a blanket buried in the back of my closet. (That's another story) Now I had to hustle to move on to trick number two for picture day. Make your hair as big as possible. It detracts from the fat chubby cheeks and double chins. Yes I said CHINS plural!! The bigger the hair the smaller the face. I was spraying the ever loving shit out of my hair and nothing was working. I was pouring sweat cussing up a storm and feeling like having a major BF (bitch fit). I finally got my hair to a passable height and looked at the clock. Half an hour behind my schedule if I left right away I would still be o.k. I got to my kitchen ready to roll and all of a sudden it hit. YEP my stomach. Rush into the bathroom. Now I love me some Spanks but not when you are needing to get them off in a major hurry like in this case. Panic was setting in but I finally managed to get them off. Then low and behold TA DAH my MONTHLY had started. What in the hell? Really? I could literally see Charlie Brown's face looking at me, laughing and saying man what a LOSER this chick is. I put myself all back together again(no easy feat). That's when the tears started. But wait...I had already done my makeup...heavy on the mascara for the dreaded picture day. If I cried too much it would all be ruined. I took a deep breath and did the next best thing. I whipped open the bathroom door and started screaming at my husband about how fucking bad my life sucked. Today was his day off so he was sound asleep. He mumbled something trying to calm me down. He was saying some typical stupid man shit but I wasn't in a very receptive mood. He told me to stay home. I screamed that he didn't understand anything about anything. He told me I looked pretty and screamed WHATEVER and slammed the door.
I got in the car and what is playing on the radio? Big Girls Don't Cry. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I have often suspected that God uses me for his own personal court jester but now I have proof!! He's totally rubbing my face in it. The rest of the day went pretty much the same way. Then after lunch was the dreaded picture time. I passed on previewing the photo when the man asked. Why bother? I would see if soon enough. Now there was only one last humiliation to suffer through at the end of the day and then I could go home and hide under my pillow!! It was the staff photo. The entire staff lines up and guess who always gets the front row? You guessed it... SHORTY. And of course I have to hear the myriad of jokes about how short I am and how I automatically get the front row. Hardy Har Har like I haven't heard these jokes 8 million times. After many squished in, hot, uncomfortable minutes the torture is finally over. I bet you can guess what I would equate that to but I won't say it out loud. You can fill in the blank.
On the way home I thought about why they say Big Girl's Don't Cry? Now of course I know they are referring to chronological big not fat ass big but still there is some truth to it. Fat people tend to be funny, jolly, happy and down right chipper. Is it because we enjoy life to the fullest? We don't deprive ourselves of cake and so maybe a part of us is deeply satisfied. Or is it because we feel we have to be like that so that everyone will like us. I couldn't contemplate it too long because I was getting another migraine and sometimes I think life just is what it is. Maybe you shouldn't think so hard about it. But it can be really funny if you let it. So as I write this I am actually smiling about the shitty day I had and feeling pretty good that I can share with you all and maybe make you smile. I will leave you with a quote from Charlie Brown's The great Pumpkin. Every time everyone else gets candy in their bags while trick-or- treating Charlie brown looks down at his bag and says "I got a rock". Pretty much sums it all up for me!!!
This morning was the worst. I had a horrible migraine the night before. I took half of a migraine pill and had a hard time functioning this morning. I couldn't miss today. Although of all the days to miss today would have been my first pick. It was one of the most dreaded days of the entire school year. PICTURE DAY!! For fat girls picture day can be equated to getting a root canal with no Novocaine, a rectal exam from the hulk or going to the DMV on the last Friday of the month at noon. Since you have no choice, you try extremely hard to find an outfit that will at best shave a pound or two off of you. This morning was not turning out to be one of those days. EVERYTHING I put on looked awful. I already felt bad and then when I finally found a dress that fit I couldn't find my Spanks! Fat chicks need their Spanks. If you don't know what Spanks are you are obviously skinny or you live in a cave in Afghanistan. I searched for 20 minutes. What was my alternative? At this point I had a better chance of finding them then I did finding another outfit. Finally I found them under a blanket buried in the back of my closet. (That's another story) Now I had to hustle to move on to trick number two for picture day. Make your hair as big as possible. It detracts from the fat chubby cheeks and double chins. Yes I said CHINS plural!! The bigger the hair the smaller the face. I was spraying the ever loving shit out of my hair and nothing was working. I was pouring sweat cussing up a storm and feeling like having a major BF (bitch fit). I finally got my hair to a passable height and looked at the clock. Half an hour behind my schedule if I left right away I would still be o.k. I got to my kitchen ready to roll and all of a sudden it hit. YEP my stomach. Rush into the bathroom. Now I love me some Spanks but not when you are needing to get them off in a major hurry like in this case. Panic was setting in but I finally managed to get them off. Then low and behold TA DAH my MONTHLY had started. What in the hell? Really? I could literally see Charlie Brown's face looking at me, laughing and saying man what a LOSER this chick is. I put myself all back together again(no easy feat). That's when the tears started. But wait...I had already done my makeup...heavy on the mascara for the dreaded picture day. If I cried too much it would all be ruined. I took a deep breath and did the next best thing. I whipped open the bathroom door and started screaming at my husband about how fucking bad my life sucked. Today was his day off so he was sound asleep. He mumbled something trying to calm me down. He was saying some typical stupid man shit but I wasn't in a very receptive mood. He told me to stay home. I screamed that he didn't understand anything about anything. He told me I looked pretty and screamed WHATEVER and slammed the door.
I got in the car and what is playing on the radio? Big Girls Don't Cry. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I have often suspected that God uses me for his own personal court jester but now I have proof!! He's totally rubbing my face in it. The rest of the day went pretty much the same way. Then after lunch was the dreaded picture time. I passed on previewing the photo when the man asked. Why bother? I would see if soon enough. Now there was only one last humiliation to suffer through at the end of the day and then I could go home and hide under my pillow!! It was the staff photo. The entire staff lines up and guess who always gets the front row? You guessed it... SHORTY. And of course I have to hear the myriad of jokes about how short I am and how I automatically get the front row. Hardy Har Har like I haven't heard these jokes 8 million times. After many squished in, hot, uncomfortable minutes the torture is finally over. I bet you can guess what I would equate that to but I won't say it out loud. You can fill in the blank.
On the way home I thought about why they say Big Girl's Don't Cry? Now of course I know they are referring to chronological big not fat ass big but still there is some truth to it. Fat people tend to be funny, jolly, happy and down right chipper. Is it because we enjoy life to the fullest? We don't deprive ourselves of cake and so maybe a part of us is deeply satisfied. Or is it because we feel we have to be like that so that everyone will like us. I couldn't contemplate it too long because I was getting another migraine and sometimes I think life just is what it is. Maybe you shouldn't think so hard about it. But it can be really funny if you let it. So as I write this I am actually smiling about the shitty day I had and feeling pretty good that I can share with you all and maybe make you smile. I will leave you with a quote from Charlie Brown's The great Pumpkin. Every time everyone else gets candy in their bags while trick-or- treating Charlie brown looks down at his bag and says "I got a rock". Pretty much sums it all up for me!!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Every Other Day
Try as I may, I can not write in this blog every day. Besides it would get boring for everyone. MLK day was pretty crappy....LITERALLY. I had to have a CT scan done and the stuff they give you to drink made me so sick. They should put a warning sign on it that says it is a torpedo that will immediately shoot through your bowels and bring you to your knees crying like a little bitch on the toilet. It was HORRENDOUS!! It was like I had eaten a Hot Pocket for breakfast that had been sitting out in the sun for a week. On the lighter side MAYBE I will lose a few. However enough is enough and I am still suffering. Haven't heard back from the doctor so I am assuming I am NOT DYING!! Although being the hypo that I am I would swear I am!!
I got some news today that struck terror deep into my heart. I applied for our leadership pool and got the email that my application has been accepted. To apply. (you have to apply to apply) HUH? Now I get to go through the process to see if I get in. The problem is that there are three steps. Step one: written response to a prompt with a 45 minute time limit. (o.k. I can handle that) Ive certainly written enough papers that should be no problem. Step 2: video taped scenario. wait a minute...what the what? Me and a camera? Hello!!! I'm FAT!! The camera adds 10 pounds. OMG total terror!! Most people would be nervous to get in front of the camera because they are camera shy or just plain not good at public speaking. Not the case for me. In fact I don't really have a shy bone in my body but I have a hell of a lot of FAT ones!!! Step 3: If I live through step 2, is an interview with live people. However these are the same people who have gotten to watch the video of you. UUGGHH Oh and by the way it all starts Monday. Yeah not a whole lot of notice. No time to LOSE any weight. At least it will be like a band-aide rip it off fast.
Oh and I made an incredible dinner that was healthy and Brad actually liked it. SCORE so the day wasn't a total wash. Chicken with peppers and mushrooms.and salad. YUM I am trying. baby steps baby steps. Oh and I have to put in a correction from my last blog. I said that healthy food would taste horrible...my sister had a fit over that statement! So I will retract it to shut her up but secretly think it in my head. She's one of those BORN again skinny people. She lost a ton of weight for her wedding and is keeping it off. I'm so proud of her. However she has convinced herself that diet food is good and so I say good for her. Maybe someday I will be able to convince myself. Tonight was a good start. Dinner was great.
Till next time, have a great day.
I got some news today that struck terror deep into my heart. I applied for our leadership pool and got the email that my application has been accepted. To apply. (you have to apply to apply) HUH? Now I get to go through the process to see if I get in. The problem is that there are three steps. Step one: written response to a prompt with a 45 minute time limit. (o.k. I can handle that) Ive certainly written enough papers that should be no problem. Step 2: video taped scenario. wait a minute...what the what? Me and a camera? Hello!!! I'm FAT!! The camera adds 10 pounds. OMG total terror!! Most people would be nervous to get in front of the camera because they are camera shy or just plain not good at public speaking. Not the case for me. In fact I don't really have a shy bone in my body but I have a hell of a lot of FAT ones!!! Step 3: If I live through step 2, is an interview with live people. However these are the same people who have gotten to watch the video of you. UUGGHH Oh and by the way it all starts Monday. Yeah not a whole lot of notice. No time to LOSE any weight. At least it will be like a band-aide rip it off fast.
Oh and I made an incredible dinner that was healthy and Brad actually liked it. SCORE so the day wasn't a total wash. Chicken with peppers and mushrooms.and salad. YUM I am trying. baby steps baby steps. Oh and I have to put in a correction from my last blog. I said that healthy food would taste horrible...my sister had a fit over that statement! So I will retract it to shut her up but secretly think it in my head. She's one of those BORN again skinny people. She lost a ton of weight for her wedding and is keeping it off. I'm so proud of her. However she has convinced herself that diet food is good and so I say good for her. Maybe someday I will be able to convince myself. Tonight was a good start. Dinner was great.
Till next time, have a great day.
Monday, January 16, 2012
A new begining
At my mothers constant request I have once again decided to start writing in my blog. As many of you know I was unable to reach ANY of my weight loss goals and for a long period of time completely gave up. I have once again been renewed by the goal to become a slimmer me...this time fueled by health issues that seem to make losing weight a little more pertinent and palatable. This time around I do not have the assistance of my horrible Nazi trainer and will have to find a way to fend for myself. This in itself is not very reassuring considering the fact that I can't always be trusted to make the right choices when it comes to weight loss and or especially exercise. However I have equipped myself with every woman's NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION equipment. They include: A scale from Target, Wii games that cause you to move and dance, People's magazine "How They Kept It Off" issue 2012, new fad diet book of the year, new workout pants, bottled water, The new SkinnyCow chocolate peanut butter candy bars, enough dried fruit to feed a small country in Somalia and last but not least all the best intentions a fat girl could ever muster up. Unfortunately you know what they say about good intentions. But since I am likely going to hell for gluttony anyway, I guess my road there should be paved with good intentions.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping with my extremely buff son. It was glorious! In the tremendous wake of my happiness I realized for the first time in my life why I have such horrible mood swings. Italian mothers pin all their happiness on the attention they receive from their sons. They truly are the epicenter of their existence. All it took to put me on cloud 9 was the opportunity to spend a few minutes of quality time with my son and then for him to give me a task which involved cooking. This sent me into some kind of zen state which could only be compared with finding the shoes of your dreams on the clearance rack right after you got a fat bonus check. When I cook a meal and look over at my sons eating with smiles, hear my husband quietly humming with joy as he's stuffing his face, it makes my heart swell. Life seems good. Then there are the dark days. No one shows up for dinner or worse yet they don't like what I've made. These are the days that tear an Italian mother to pieces. These are the days when food is your only friend. These are the days when you have lost your entire reason for being. No matter how modern the times, this culture is still alive and well and living in an Italian home near you. I think of myself as a modern woman. I have a career, I have a life outside of my family and yet I am every classic Italian movie ever made. I should just put my hair up in a tight bun, strap on an apron, stand over a boiling pot of sauce and whack people in the back of the head every time they say a curse word. (I'm making the sign of the cross as we speak) You may be wondering why I am bringing this up in a weight loss blog? The reason is simple. I am fat because that is what I have created my entire existence on. I am a people pleaser. How do I please people? How do I win my family's affection? Through food and the meals I create. If I start making low fat healthy food that tastes like cardboard my family will be unhappy. I will be unhappy. So now the real challenge will be to try and find a BALANCE. I know I can do it. I just have to believe. Until tomorrow dear friends. Please keep me in your thoughts and make sure to hug your mother, she may need it!!!
Yesterday I went grocery shopping with my extremely buff son. It was glorious! In the tremendous wake of my happiness I realized for the first time in my life why I have such horrible mood swings. Italian mothers pin all their happiness on the attention they receive from their sons. They truly are the epicenter of their existence. All it took to put me on cloud 9 was the opportunity to spend a few minutes of quality time with my son and then for him to give me a task which involved cooking. This sent me into some kind of zen state which could only be compared with finding the shoes of your dreams on the clearance rack right after you got a fat bonus check. When I cook a meal and look over at my sons eating with smiles, hear my husband quietly humming with joy as he's stuffing his face, it makes my heart swell. Life seems good. Then there are the dark days. No one shows up for dinner or worse yet they don't like what I've made. These are the days that tear an Italian mother to pieces. These are the days when food is your only friend. These are the days when you have lost your entire reason for being. No matter how modern the times, this culture is still alive and well and living in an Italian home near you. I think of myself as a modern woman. I have a career, I have a life outside of my family and yet I am every classic Italian movie ever made. I should just put my hair up in a tight bun, strap on an apron, stand over a boiling pot of sauce and whack people in the back of the head every time they say a curse word. (I'm making the sign of the cross as we speak) You may be wondering why I am bringing this up in a weight loss blog? The reason is simple. I am fat because that is what I have created my entire existence on. I am a people pleaser. How do I please people? How do I win my family's affection? Through food and the meals I create. If I start making low fat healthy food that tastes like cardboard my family will be unhappy. I will be unhappy. So now the real challenge will be to try and find a BALANCE. I know I can do it. I just have to believe. Until tomorrow dear friends. Please keep me in your thoughts and make sure to hug your mother, she may need it!!!
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